There’s a song called Summer Rain on my new album Liberated. It’s an easy, feel-good song about having intimacy with someone that you’re falling in love with for the very first time. For me, it was a very important song to write as I have a history of sexual shame. A lot of us do. I wrote this song because, for me, it was the first time I was able to walk into a space of intimacy with a sense of self-esteem. The first time I had a holistic experience that involved my spirit, my mind, and my heart. I figured there were a few things that we all could keep in mind – three things that may help us overcome guilt, grow self-esteem, and cultivate a more holistic sexuality.
One thing that helped me demystify sexual shame was to become hyper-aware of how I feel. Our feelings are information. They tell us what our fears are. What our hangups are. A simple commitment to be aware while having an intimate exchange can shift things. Knowing is half the battle. We all bring broken pieces to the table. It’s up to you to know what those pieces are. To be able to define them. Until you can define them, you can’t deal with them. So important. Awareness is a great first step towards sexual healing.
Not everyone deserves your body.
Please consider this. Not everyone deserves your body. In my days, I have left no stone un-turned. If I have one regret, it is that I did not learn self-worth years ago. That I didn’t honor my body. That I didn’t see it as sacred. As kingly. As deserving of something more meaningful. Granted, the culture that was influencing me so much as a young man was teaching me to extract sexuality from spirituality and from emotional and mental health. They placed it in a category of convenience. Like fast food. Quick and convenient. An app on a phone. This left me wanting. It left me damaged. And it certainly didn’t teach me about the worthiness that I have. That this body simply does not belong to just anybody. Cultivating that kind of self-worth changes the way you walk through the world. It changes the way you interact with people. It changes the way you have sex!
Sex is a give, not a take.
Something inherent in “fast food intimacy” is self-gratification. People who come to that exchange have self-gratification top of mind. It creates a particular dynamic of intimacy that doesn’t acknowledge the whole of who you are. Sex is meant to be a give of your body, mind, and spirit. Approaching sex from a place of givingness invites the energy of love into the room – a love that I believe is healing. Why would we not want a premiere sexual experience where orgasm envelopes the whole of you and creates a euphoria that is nothing less than transcendental?
As a double Scorpio, my two favorite topics have always been sexuality and spirituality. So many layers to uncover, especially how they merge to create a healing, sacred experience. But I just leave you with this. May we begin to invite a more holistic intimacy into our lives.
Overcoming sexual shame, healing guilt around intimacy, and cultivating a deeper sense of self-worth is a journey all of us take on some level. Keep evolving. Keep expecting more in the bedroom. From yourself, and from others.